


Cantaloupe

by Gravity_Sun



Series: You, Me and the Baby Make ... Four? [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Awkward Relationships, Dad!Jason, Domestic, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Uncomfortable Conversations, jason doesn't handle stress well, jason is an over protective dad, relationships, surprise i'm pregnant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7141781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gravity_Sun/pseuds/Gravity_Sun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I thought that I should at least tell you. But with Dick back I didn’t... didn’t want it to be weird.”</p><p>A silence hangs over the room. A full minute passes. Then two. Then at least one more before Jason laughs. He legitimately laughs, shoulders shaking and hunched over.</p><p>“Didn’t want it to be weird?” He asks “‘Weird’?” He repeats, with emphasis</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is an AU of an AU. It's set in the "Lazarus" universe. 'm not saying you I _have_ to read Lazarus to understand, but it'll make a lot more sense if you do.

Jason hadn’t blinked in a full minute. Dick knows because Dick has been counting. In fact, it had probably been over a minute, because Jason hadn’t been blinking by the time Dick had noticed and started counting, and now, he was,  at least, at a minute and 15 seconds of eye opened bewilderment. His face was pale. Paler than normal. Like the blood had drained completely out of him. When he was young, Dick had read that description in a detective novel and thought it was over-dramatic. Until he became Robin, or until he saw his parents fall, and finally understood first hand.

“... months... but I thought--.” Evie was saying “Blink.”

Jason did.

“Blink again.”

He did.

“Keep going.”

Jason does, seeming to get the message, rubbing his eyes a few times.

“Good.” Evie says, and continues going “I thought that I should at least  _ tell  _ you. But with Dick back I didn’t... didn’t want it to be weird.”

A silence hangs over the room. A full minute passes. Then two. Then at least one more before Jason laughs. He legitimately laughs, shoulders shaking and hunched over.

“Didn’t want it to be  _ weird _ ?” He asks “‘ **_Weird_ ** ’?” He repeats, with emphasis

“Look, I meant to tell you earlier. But...”

“You just decided to wait 6 months to tell me you’re  _ pregnant _ .”

Evie gave a weak shrug.

“Like I said... didn’t...”

“Want it to be weird. Right. Got it.” Jason stands, pacing the living room. Dick just watches “Are you sure-- How did... We haven’t...”

“Remember, right before Dick came back? You came to one of my shows in Moscow?”

“... vaguely.”

“... and got blackout drunk?”

“....”

“And then we had hangover sex?”

“Why--?”

“You convinced me it’d help with the hangover.”

“Did it?”

“There’s a thing the size of a cantaloupe growing inside me. I don’t think that’s really the important part here.”

“... But..”

“No. Jason. No, it didn’t help. So, yes, we did. And yes, I’m sure it’s yours.”

Jason is pacing a figure 8. Dick starts to wonder if he’ll make himself dizzy.

“Look.” Evie says “I don’t expect anything of you.” Jason turns to her “I don’t expect... I’m keeping it. Obviously.” She brushes her hands gently over her stomach, pausing for a second “But I don’t expect... I won’t force you to do anything. Be there or help out or... I can do it on my own.”

“Ev--.”

“If you don’t want to. I won’t force you. Hell, I’m not even here to ask. I just... I just thought you deserved to know.”

She moves to stand with a soft groan, Dick slides over on the couch to help her to her feet.

“Anyway, the flight back to Zurich leaves in a few hours so I should--.”

“Whoa whoa whoa wait. You... you’re not leaving in your condition.”

“ _ ‘In my condition’ _ ?”

“You know what I... You can’t just...”

“Can’t?”

“You know what--.” Jason sighs, pulling on the white streak in his hair so hard a few strands come loose “You’re pregnant. I can’t just... let you leave without... doing  _ something _ .”

“I told you. I don’t expect--.”

“I know. I know. But did you ever consider that may I’d  _ want  _ to?”

An unreadable expression flutters across Evie’s face for a brief second.

“Of course I did. But... Dick. You guys don’t need me to complicate things.”

“Whoa now.” Dick says “Trust me. You literally couldn’t make things worse.”

Jason and Evie turn to him, both raising an eyebrows

“... Not... that things are... You know what I mean.”

Jason sighs.

“What Dick is trying... very  _ very  _ poorly to say is... it doesn’t matter. I want to. I’d love to... to do whatever you’ll let me do.” He grasps her hand “But... what I can’t do right now.. I can’t just let you get on a plane and disappear.”

“I’m going to--.”

“I can’t just let you leave until I... until we talk about this.”

Evie worries at her lip.

“Not  _ can’t. _ ” Jason corrects “If you want to leave, I won’t stop you. Just... please.”

Evie stares at him, worrying at her lip more, then looks at the clock.

“I’ll miss my flight.”

“I’ll get you another one.”

“There isn’t another one for--.”

“I’ll give you a plane.” Jason tries again “Please.”

Evie stares at him for a long moment.

“How are you not freaking out?”

“Oh. He is.” Dick says, casually, picking at his fingernails. “He’s about 30 seconds away from locking himself in a room and caterwauling.”

“Thanks, Dickie.”

“Anytime.”

Evie glances between the two of them.

“Am I... interrupting something? Are you two... okay?”

“We’re perfect.” Jason lies

Evie stares at him, and Jason knows she sees right through him.

“It’s not important right now.” Jason continues, stepping closer, pulling Evie to him “Let’s just... talk a bit longer. That’s my cantaloupe in there.”

“Your  _ cantaloupe _ ?”

“Do you know what it is yet?”

“No.”

“Then we’re going with cantaloupe.”

Evie pulls back, sighs.

“I have to pee.” She pushes him away, waddling down the hall

“Uh...”

“Always have to freaking pee.” She mutters, then the door closes

Jason stands in the living room, silent for a few minutes.

“Dickie?”

“Yep.”

“Did that just happen?”

“Yep.”

“Evie is pregnant?”

“Yep.”

“And it’s mine?”

“Uh huh.”

Silence.

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

Jason’s knees give out, he falls onto the couch.

“This is gonna be weird.”

Dick pauses for a long while, before laughing.

“Nah.” He chuckles. Jason turns to him “I think... this’ll be fun.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t have a cantaloupe.”

“... you know you can’t keep calling it a cantaloupe, right?”

“If I call it the other thing, the caterwauling is going to start.”

“Cantaloupe it is.”


	2. Chapter 2

Evie agrees to delay her flight, and they settle down in the living room to talk things out. What she’s been up to the past few months. What doctor’s she’s been seeing. How the pregnancy has been going. What are her plans going forward.

A few minutes in, Dick stands to leave, to try and give them their privacy, but Jason’s hand grasps his wrist so fast it actually startles him, and Evie gives him a look that he’ll soon realize he can’t refuse. So, Dick orders them an incredible amount of food, and settles in.

“Be glad you missed all of the morning sickness.” Evie was saying around a mouthful of noodles “And the mood swings. Those are mostly over, anyway.”

“Mostly?”  
“I watched a cat video in the taxi on the way over here and cried for 10 minutes.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve been teaching and consulting, mostly, since dancing is out of the question” She continues “There’s a school in Zurich that wants me for a few weeks. And then after that...” She shrugs

“You... you mean you don’t have anything else lined up?” Jason asks

Evie shrugs.

“You were just gonna... wing it?”

Evie shrugs again.

“I have a few weeks, Jason.”

“You also have a cantaloupe inside you.”

“You really have to stop calling it--.”

“My point is...” Jason says, before standing, walking a few paces “No.” He says, with an air of finality “No.”

“No?”

“No. You’re not gonna... jump from job to job with my-- our cantaloupe...”

“Jason--.”

“He can’t say the other word.” Dick chimes in “Caterwauling. Trust me. It’s not something you wanna see.”

“I have enough...” Jason continues “I don’t want you to have to worry about that stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Work. Money. You don’t have to.”

“Jason. I don’t want your money. That’s not why I came...”

“I know. But... please. Let me at least do this. Let me take care of everything. Financially, anyway. You’ve been on your own this whole time...”

Evie taps her chin.

“... After Zurich.” She agrees

Jason sighs.

“I signed a contract, Jason.”

“Do they know about the--.

“If you say cantaloupe--.”

“--Melon.” Jason corrects “Your... condition?”

“Of course they know.” Evie says “It’s dance. You kind of have to know everything about the body. Hence why I’m teaching. Not dancing.”

“But you don’t need to--.”

“No. I do. I signed a contract. I promised I’d...” she sighs “It’s my future. My reputation on the line. I can’t just back out.”

“But... Zurich...”

“-- is beautiful this time of year.” Evie finishes

Jason stares at her, expressionless for a moment, before sighing, clapping his hands on his thighs.

“Exactly. I’d love to see it.” He turns to Dick “We’re moving.”

Dick chokes on a mouthful of rice.

“We are?”

“Yes. Now. We’re moving to Zurich.”

“Jay, you can’t just...”

“We can’t just leave.” Dick says

“Why?”

“Because, we have a--.” Dick trails off “A... thing...”

“You’re superheroes and you can do a lot more good here and in the States than in Zurich.” Evie states calmly

“Yes. Exactly-- what?” Jason turns to her

“Jason. We were together 7 years. I went to Oxford. I’m not dumb.”

“Why didn’t you..?”

“Didn’t seem important. But now, it is.”

Jason sighs.

“If it’s what you want...”

“It is.” Evie states, firmly, digging into Jason’s abandoned box of food “It’s only for a few weeks. Then the cantaloupe will be eggplant... squash size.”

“Or.” Dick says casually “You could actually figure out what it is.”

“And what, take away the fun of calling it fruits and vegetables?”

Dick gives a shrug.

“I dunno, maybe actually give it a name? Usually, bab--.”

“Anyway.” Jason cuts him off “If it’s what you want... I won’t stop you. Just... _promise_ me you’ll take it easy.”

“It’s ballet, Jason.” Evie counters “There is no ‘taking it easy’.”

Jason gives her a pleading look. If Dick didn’t know any better, he’d swear his puppy eyes were rubbing off on Jason.

Evie sighs.

“Fine. As best I can. Yes. I’ll take it easy.”

“Good. And just... leave everything else to me. I’ll buy a bed... and food and...” He trails off “... cantaloupe stuff.”

Evie sighs.

“... I’ll text you a list.” She glances at her watch “But, I really must get going, Jaybird.”

“ _Jaybird_?”

She shoots a look at Dick. Jason gives him a glare. Dick shrugs innocently.

“Anyway. I must get going. See if there’s a red eye I can catch.”

“There isn’t.”

“Oh, you checked?”

“No.” Jason says “I bought every single ticket for every airline heading to Zurich today.”

“Wh--.”

“You’re going to get some rest, and I’ll have you flown out tomorrow.”

Evie glares.

“Please?”

Evie sighs.

“I’ll be late.”

“No you won’t.”

“It’s an 8 hour flight at best.”

“Not in my plane.”

Evie pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Right. Superheroes. Right. Forgot.” She breathes out “Well, I sent all of my clothes ahead to the airport.”

“You left some things here...”

Evie gestures obviously towards her stomach.

“ _Maternity_ clothes? Not exactly a size 6 anymore, Jason.”

“I’ll buy you--.”

Evie cuts him off, moving to stand.

“Don’t. I can buy myself clothes, Jay. I’m a big girl, pregnancy jokes notwithstanding. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that... but--.”

“Don’t. I don’t need you coddling me. I don’t--.” She says, then sighs “I have to pee.” She waddles past him “Again.”

Jason pauses for a moment, listening to Evie close the bathroom door with a bit more force than necessary, before turning back to Dick, who is eating what must be his 10th egg roll.

“... I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Generally, yeah.”

Jason sighs, and swallows the urge to scream.

 

X

 

Later that night, Jason lays in bed, staring at the ceiling. A father. _Him._ He was going to be a Dad. **_Him_ **. He supposes he should consider it some sort of miracle. Over 150 and he hasn’t had any before... that he knows of, anyway. A sinking feeling hits his gut and dozens of hookups over the years flitter through his mind. He swallows, forces out a breath and buries it down.

A father. It wasn’t even something he’d considered. It wasn’t like he had a plethora of good examples. His own father was a drunk and a deadbeat and a crook. He got beaten to death with a crowbar while under the care of his second father and... well, he supposes, Bruce wasn’t all that bad, in the end. But, he steels his mind, he’s gonna be better than both of them. His ... cantaloupe...  is not going to wind up fucked up like him.

Or... maybe not like him at all. Will it age? Will he have to watch it grow old and bury it some day?

“Jay.” Dick’s sleep addled voice calls “Breathe. I can hear you thinking all the way over here.”

Jason turns his head to look at him, all the way on the other side of the bed, about as far away from Jason without being on the floor as possible, surrounded by pillows.

“You mad?” He asks

“About?”

Jason makes a gesture.

“You know... about... _fruit_.”

“About Evie being pregnant?”

“That thing. Yeah.”

Dick rolls over, scoots in a bit closer

“No. Of course not.”

“You’ve built yourself a pillow fort to block me.”

“Your screaming.” Dick corrects “I figured the screaming was gonna start soon, thought having some pillows handy would be a good idea.”

“I’m not gonna scream.”

“Yeah you are.” Dick says, dismissively, starting to slide back across the bed. “Stop thinking. Go to sleep.”

Jason reaches out, and grabs Dick’s hand. He half expects Dick to yank his hand away, to push him away, and is relieved when he doesn’t. He slides in close enough that Jay can make out the blue in his eyes, the way his cheek is wrinkled from sleep.

“What if--.” He starts “What if I’m not...”

Jason cuts himself off with a sigh, releasing Dick’s hand.

“Nothing, sorry I--.”

Dick cuts him off with a kiss, quick and soft.

“Hey,” He sooths “You will be. You’ll be great.”

Jason tilts his head up for another kiss and Dick obliges. And _God_ , he feels so good. So warm, always so warm and Jason needs that, needs _him_. Wants Dick inside him so badly he’s trembling, rolling onto his back, pulling Dick with him. Dick seems to get the memo, rolling with him, slotting their hips together, leaning down, only to pause at the sound of waddling footsteps in the hall, and Evie singsong-ing:

“Tiny bladder. Tiny tiny bladder. Huge baby keeps kicking me in my tiny bladder.” And then the sound of the hall bathroom clicking shut.

Dick lowers his head to the pillow, and shakes in laughter.

“So...” Jason says, taking having Evie as a guest as the sign that it was that maybe he shouldn’t fool around “We’re good?”

“Over the fact that you’re about to have a baby?” Dick says, rolling off of him “Yeah. We’re good, ‘Daddy’.”

Dick expects a crack about calling Jay ‘Daddy’ in the bedroom, so much so that he is actually startled when Jay full body tenses, sucking in a deep breath, and screams.

For an hour.

 

 

When the screaming dies down into muffled (Dick has been forcing him to scream into the pillow) whimpers, Evie calls from the bedroom next door.

“When he’s done... can one of you go buy me some pudding?”

“...Seriously?” Dick calls back, Jason raises his head, but what sounds like the beginnings of a scream starts to form, so Dick shoves his face back down.

“Yeah... pregnancy cravings and what not.”

Dick sighs.

“Yeah sure. Let me get some pants.”

He slides out of bed, into what are probably Jay’s sweats, and turns around to look at Jason, still face down on the bed, still whimpering. He sighs again, pinching the bridge of his nose.

This. This is gonna be great.


	3. Chapter 3

Jason wakes in the morning with a sore throat and a hickey on his neck (whoa, when did  _ that  _ happen)? He winces in the morning light, eyes sensitive, and looks over at Dick, who had seemingly given up on him, as he now wore what Jason realized were noise cancelling headphones and had cocooned himself in pillows. He thinks about waking him, to let him know that the screaming was over (he thinks), but Dick is sleeping so deeply, his shoulders slumping in exhaustion that he decides to let him rest.

Jason makes his way to the living room, rubbing sleep out of his eyes and trying to remember what was in the fridge, where he finds Evie, lying on her back on the floor, feet propped up on the couch. He’s initially startled, wondering if she’d somehow fallen, until he hears her humming softly to herself.

“Hey,” she says, not turning to look at him. He was impressed she’d heard him, he’d been being deliberately quiet.

“Hey yourself.” He replies, moving to sit next to her on the floor “What are you doing?”

“Putting my feet up.” She says, eyes still closed “My back is killing me. Your cantaloupe decided to try out for the Rockettes last night.”   


Jason chuckled.   


“Yeah?”   


“Oh yeah. It’s got the ‘step-kick-step-high-kick’ down pat.” Evie says, rubbing at her stomach a bit “If not the Rockettes, it’s got a promising career in soccer.”

Jason laughs harder.

“Ahhh, every parent’s dream.” Jason snarks

“Oh the horror. Imagine if they grew up to be a dancer. Horrible people, that lot.”

“I meant soccer. Everyone knows it’s not a real sport.”

Evie opens her eyes, just to roll them at him, before laughing.

“Hey... we’re okay, right?” She asks, looking away

“Hm?”   


“I mean... we’re okay... you’re not... you don’t like... hate me, or anything?”   


“Why would I hate you?”   


Evie just gestures towards her stomach.

“Oh yeah. Because melons just set my blood on fire.”

“I know... I know it’s not what you wanted.” Evie says, dismissing his joke “That you never wanted...  _ fruit _ ... Part of why I didn’t tell you--.”   


“It’s more,” Jason interrupts, scooting closer “It’s more... I just never figured I’d be any good at it.”

“How’s that?”   


Jason shrugs.

“Son of a deadbeat. Adopted by a rich asshole. Died. Came back an asshole.” He shrugs “Didn’t figure I’d be great at raising ... anything.” He pauses for a minute “But... I dunno. Could be cool, right?”

“‘Could be cool’?”

Jason shrugs again.

“Have you ever changed a diaper? Ever?”

“I’ll learn.”

“Made a bottle?”   


“I’ll learn.”   


“Swaddled?”

“... what?”   


“It’s when you...” Evie sighs “Never mind.”

“I’ll look it up. I’ll learn. Whatever it is.”

“Oh?” Evie says “And here I thought you’d be terrible at this.”

She groans. Jason tenses.

“Fucking. Soccer.” She mutters, before looking up at him “Hey, give me your hand.”

“...why?”

She raises an eyebrow.

“Last time you tried that you drew a dick on my hand.”   


“I also drew one on your face, and look at that, you survived.”

“It was in Sharpie.” Jason said “I had to scrub for hours.”

“Your canteloup is saying ‘good morning’.” Evie says, reaching for his hand. Jason lets her grab it, place it on her belly.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

“Oh.” Is all Jason can manage.

“Oh? How about you tell it ‘Mom can only hobble to the bathroom so often so chill out on the bladder kicks’?”

But Jason doesn’t hear her. Just feels the soft thumping and shifting under his fingers.

“Is this... all the time?” He asks

“This? The kicking? Feels like it, but no. Usually it just chooses the most inopportune times. Trying to sleep. Just got in the shower. Just walked down a flight of steps that the bathroom is at the top of.”

Jason chuckles.

“But...” Evie says, voice so soft it knocks Jason out of his daydreaming “We’re... we’re okay?”

“Yeah.” He answers, trying to track the thumps with his fingertips. “We’re okay. This... this is okay.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Jason threading their fingers together once the kicking stops, before Evie speaks again.

“What about Dick?”   


“What about him?”   


“Is he... is he okay with this?”

Jason shrugs.

“Oddly enough... yeah. I think he is.”

“Good.”   


“There is... one drawback though.”   


“Yeah? What’s that?”

_ ‘The Pit made him crazy and being brought back made him extra crazy so...’ _

“Well, he’s a circus kid. So you’ll probably have a ... melon... who can walk on its hands and tumble before it can walk upright.”

Evie laughs.

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“You say that now. What if it never learns to walk upright? What if we have to raise it upside down?”   


“Oh, stop.”

“I’m just being a concerned...  _ Dad _ .” The word weighs heavy on his tongue.

Evie blinks at him for a moment.   


“.... are you gonna start screaming again?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“... No.”

 

X

 

A few hours later, after Jason has safely sent Evie on a private plane off to Zurich, he’s driving along with Dick, when he turns to him.

“Hey...” Jason says “I uh... will you do something with me?”

Dick turns to him.

“Huh?”   


“There’s this thing... I need to do. And I need you to come with me.”   


Dick raises an eyebrow, a bit concerned, but nods in agreement. Jason keeps driving. After a bit, he turns back to Dick.

“It’s... just promise you’ll still love me afterwards?”

“Jason. What is going on?”   


“It’s gonna be awful. But I have to, right?”

“Jay...”

Jason doesn’t respond. Just keeps driving. After a while, Dick feels the car slowing down, and looks out the window.

“... Jay.”   


Jason doesn’t answer. Just parks.

“... Jason.”

Jay looks at him.

“... are you serious?”

He nods, and gets out of the car.

Dick sighs and follows suit, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Just promise me you’ll love me at the end of this.”

Dick sighs harder.

They were at a fucking Baby Gap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason nearly shoots a lady over a onesie. Dick decides they should do their shopping online.

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much a self-indulgent series. Stories will jump around in time, chapters may be short, etc. But I'm always taking prompts.


End file.
